Back to Life

I am finally starting to feel like myself again. Earlier last week I was getting pretty depressed that I was never going to heal and the pain would never go away. Thankfully, this past weekend started showing signs of recovery. The pain is not as constant and my skin is starting to heal nicely. Yahoo!

Form this point on, I am going to focus on getting myself not only back to normal, but better than I was prior to my cancer diagnosis. I am reintroducing healthy foods and getting rid of foods that I enjoyed before that were garbage. I am starting to reintroduce the gym ever so slowly starting with just walking on a treadmill and then hopefully advancing back to yoga, weights and intense cardio. Lastly, I want to give back more by either volunteering within the Bay Area and/or by doing some motivational or inspirational type speaking engagements. I want to be a better person after this experience.

I will not be posting as often in this blog, but I will update when I have some news about my cancer diagnosis and improvements with my overall health.

My goal is to be in tip top shape by mid-July!

Week Six: Recovery

With treatment being complete, this was my first week to focus on recovering and getting myself back on track. This week has been one of the hardest weeks so far. I think I am healing. My brain wants me to heal faster than my body actually is. In my mind I want to get out of the house, go to the gym, go swimming, dance, do a cartwheel...all of these things I want to do, but I can't right now. Six weeks of being pretty much homebound, undergoing treatment, healing, being in pain..all of it is catching up to me. Funny, I think most people, myself included, just thought - oh treatment is over it's all uphill from here, well yes and no. 

My skin in my pelvic and butt regions are badly burned..so much so that doing a #1 or a #2 is an ordeal that leaves me crying and on the floor and/or bed rolling around in pain. I don't even want to eat or drink because I know I'll have to face going to the bathroom eventually. It feels like my insides are burned - they are burned. It's a feeling that is pretty unbearable and up until now, I have been able to relieve the pain with a hot bath, some meds and some medical marijuana. None of those things are really reliving the pain anymore - so I am just doing what I can to get through it. It's 2am and I cannot sleep because it's just too uncomfortable.

Earlier in the week, I had to do something to start feeling "normal" again. I showered, shaved, did my hair, dressed in actual clothes to just make myself feel good. The shirt I was wearing was pretty wrinkled so I though I could just steam the shirt while I was wearing it - I have done this plenty of times in the past...well, this time, of course I burnt myself with the iron - big old burn on my chest. As if I need another fucking burn! Ah, yes, at least I am starting to do things like my old self again - stupid things like ironing my shirt while I am wearing it. Classic!

And then the other night I was trying to navigate from bedroom to bathroom in the dark with no glasses on. I was moving at a pretty good clip and then BAM! - I stub my toe on the leg of a chair. I mean at this point I just have to laugh at myself - I think my body is unsure how to process any new pain I inflict on myself. I am a walking disaster right now. I truly feel if I jumped into a volcano right now, I wouldn't even feel the molten hot lava on my skin. I am becoming immune to pain.

Even though all of this is going on - I am still staying positive. Paul has been urging me to go for walks down our street and I have been going as much as I can. It's nice to feel the sun on my skin, breath fresh air and get some exercise. It's uncomfortable to walk a lengthy distance, but I have been pushing myself to just walk a mile or less down the street. Next week will be a better week for sure - it has to be.

Paul Johnson

This picture was taken in 2004 in Boston, around the time we first started dating.
The photo was taken by our dear friend, Patrick Lentz.

In 2004, I moved to the South End of Boston a few weeks prior to my 30th birthday. I was highly into my career and moved specifically to this apartment because work was about five blocks down the street. My rent was $500 bucks a month and I was making just under $40K a year, and at the time, I was pretty proud of that. I had been working at this ad agency, Arnold Worldwide, for about 2 years and it was my first salary job ever.

2004 was also the year that I decided to focus on myself. First, I started eating better, going to the gym and I was also single. I was single for the first time ever in my life and it felt great to take the time to figure out who I was and what I wanted in life. Christ, at that point I had dyed my hair so many times that I didn't even know what my hair color was. So, not only did I set out to discover myself, I also decided to shave all my hair off. My natural hair color is light brown with some gray mixed in and, just for your information, I have not died my hair since 2009.

Back to 2004 --- even though I was only paying $500.00 a month for rent and making $40K a year, I was poor as hell. After paying bills, buying food and enjoying an occasional night out on the town, I barely had any money left. My roommates at the time, Brian and Aaron, decided that we weren't going to pay for Wifi if we didn't have to. We were stealing a spotty connection from a coffee house not too far from our apartment, but we had noticed during the summer there was a much stronger connection that was open to the public, so we jumped on it and saved the $20 - $30 bucks a month.

By September 2004, I was ready to start dating again. I was feeling confident about myself for the first time in my life and had been single for just about a full year. After a few unsuccessful attempts at meeting quality men in bars, I decided to try online dating. Looking back, I think I was overly aggressive, a bit forward and a tad crazy. I believe the headline on my profile was "I am the type of man most men want..but shouldn't have!" Good lord, it's amazing ANYONE in their right mind responded to my profile with that dramatic, asinine headline...but someone did. 

I received a chat invitation from a sporty looking man - I remember his profile photo -- a handsome guy dressed in a softball uniform, with a hat and nice smile. After several back and forth conversations I enjoyed his witty banter and sense of humor and decided to keep the conversation going - it even got to the point where I sent some racy photos of myself and was a bit annoyed that I didn't get any in return. I mean, everyone has naked photos of themselves, right? Nope. And that is where my aggression would get the best of me. I was too forward and I was putting too much of myself out there (in the wrong way), but I guess in this case - the guy was amused by that.

After a long online conversation with this guy, we decided we were going to meet up for a drink or possibly a date. We had already established we both lived in the South End of Boston, but we reveled exactly where we lived and we were surprised that we both lived on the same street (Tremont Street) - very cool - it's a big street so I became curious as to which end of the street he lived on. To my astonishment, he said he was at 595 Tremont....I was at 593 Tremont. My jaw dropped at the odds of going into an online chat room and connecting with my next door neighbor. Not only was he my next door neighbor, but after diving further into it, he was actually on the other side of the brick wall in my apartment. I think we were both a bit freaked out by all this and the conversation ended with - let's hang out sometime.

A week or so had passed since the conversation with my next door neighbor and we had not reconnected after discovering the uncanny coincidence. It was the weekend and I had spent a few hours in the gym and what I usually did back then was work out and then stop and get a large pizza and a pint of ice cream and eat it all by myself - so comforting! As I was walking home with pizza and ice cream in hand - I saw this guy coming out of the apartment next to mine - it was him! Shit. We made eye contact as we approached each other and said hello and formally introduced ourselves. He said his name was Paul, but everyone calls him PJ ( I never once called him PJ). I think he was amused at my appearance and the fact that I had just finished working out and was about to devour some junk food. He was headed to a local bar called Fritz to watch a baseball game. I was clueless to the fact that he was super excited about the Red Sox being in the playoffs against the Yankees and the potential of them heading to the World Series. I knew very little about baseball and had no clue the Red Sox were possibly headed to the World Series. As we all know - the Red Sox had one of the biggest comebacks in MLB history and won the 2004 World Series - I like to think that I was the lucky charm that brought that win for Paul:-)

After our meeting on the street, we parted ways and said 'see ya around sometime' and that was that. I headed up to my apartment and jumped in the shower before eating my junk food. While I was in the shower, the doorbell rang a few times and I ignored it until my roommate said it was some guy for me. I ran downstairs and it was Paul from next door. He told me the bar was too crowded and couldn't get in to watch the baseball game and he was going to just watch it at his apartment and asked if I wanted to join him. My first thought was "no" because I really hated watching sports, but what else did I have to do? So I ran up and got my pizza and headed over to his place.

My first thoughts of Paul were how intelligent he was, far more intelligent than the majority of the men I had met - I was intimidated by that. I also found his features most unique - I had never see a cute little nose like that on a grown man before. Since I was intimidated by him, I was nervous to talk too much about myself but then thought 'what do I have to lose' and just spilled the beans about who I was and where I came from. We could not be more opposite - I was a high school dropout and never went to college, Paul excelled at both high school and college. I was an open book and I noticed awe in Paul's face. Paul eventually told me he had never met someone so honest and open before upon meeting someone and that he was taken back by it. Our conversation lasted for hours and at some point during all of our chatter, it hit me. I was told by my friend Dan, that someday I would met someone when I least expected it  - when I was not looking for it. Paul was the one. That day I knew in my gut that Paul would be the person I would spend the rest of my life with.

Flash forward to 2014...this October will be our ten year anniversary together. Who would have thought? All these years I have been with Paul has changed my life. Paul was a hard ass with me early on in our relationship. He set me straight with my drinking problem, he helped me get over my previous abusive relationship and he always encouraged me to push myself. I can honestly say that if it were not for Paul's love and support over the years I would not be where I am today.  Paul has always been my biggest fan and my biggest cheerleader - cheering me on as I continued to accomplish my goals year after year.

When I was diagnosed with cancer a few months back, it brought our relationship to a new level. I felt I had finally hit a wall. 2013 was the best year of my life and then 2014 rolls in and I am beat down with a cancer diagnosis. These past few months have been some of the most challenging times for me and Paul has been there every step of the way... seeing the tears, hearing my cries, making me laugh, seeing me at my worst and assuring me it will be alright. I am so, so very thankful that fate brought us together in 2004 - it was meant to be. Thank you Paul - I love you.

Words that Paul sent me in an email that I read everyday that keep my spirits up and that continue to keep me positive... 

This is going to make us both stronger and it's going to make us both appreciate everything that life has in store for us that much more. I can just picture it now (when we are older): sitting on a porch in a rocking chair, drinking lemonade... with my Menks by my side. I'll always be by your side, Menks!' (FYI - Menks is my nickname).