Week Six: Recovery

With treatment being complete, this was my first week to focus on recovering and getting myself back on track. This week has been one of the hardest weeks so far. I think I am healing. My brain wants me to heal faster than my body actually is. In my mind I want to get out of the house, go to the gym, go swimming, dance, do a cartwheel...all of these things I want to do, but I can't right now. Six weeks of being pretty much homebound, undergoing treatment, healing, being in pain..all of it is catching up to me. Funny, I think most people, myself included, just thought - oh treatment is over it's all uphill from here, well yes and no. 

My skin in my pelvic and butt regions are badly burned..so much so that doing a #1 or a #2 is an ordeal that leaves me crying and on the floor and/or bed rolling around in pain. I don't even want to eat or drink because I know I'll have to face going to the bathroom eventually. It feels like my insides are burned - they are burned. It's a feeling that is pretty unbearable and up until now, I have been able to relieve the pain with a hot bath, some meds and some medical marijuana. None of those things are really reliving the pain anymore - so I am just doing what I can to get through it. It's 2am and I cannot sleep because it's just too uncomfortable.

Earlier in the week, I had to do something to start feeling "normal" again. I showered, shaved, did my hair, dressed in actual clothes to just make myself feel good. The shirt I was wearing was pretty wrinkled so I though I could just steam the shirt while I was wearing it - I have done this plenty of times in the past...well, this time, of course I burnt myself with the iron - big old burn on my chest. As if I need another fucking burn! Ah, yes, at least I am starting to do things like my old self again - stupid things like ironing my shirt while I am wearing it. Classic!

And then the other night I was trying to navigate from bedroom to bathroom in the dark with no glasses on. I was moving at a pretty good clip and then BAM! - I stub my toe on the leg of a chair. I mean at this point I just have to laugh at myself - I think my body is unsure how to process any new pain I inflict on myself. I am a walking disaster right now. I truly feel if I jumped into a volcano right now, I wouldn't even feel the molten hot lava on my skin. I am becoming immune to pain.

Even though all of this is going on - I am still staying positive. Paul has been urging me to go for walks down our street and I have been going as much as I can. It's nice to feel the sun on my skin, breath fresh air and get some exercise. It's uncomfortable to walk a lengthy distance, but I have been pushing myself to just walk a mile or less down the street. Next week will be a better week for sure - it has to be.