Cry

Today I have a pre-op appointment with my doctor to go over all the details of the surgery. Paul is coming with me so we can both hear all the details together. We left the house this morning with Zachary and I made sure he had everything he needed for his day -- snacks, homework, ironed clothes, breakfast and out the door we all went.

As we were driving to drop Zach off at school, I realized that I forgot to bring what I needed for the doctor. I wrote a list of questions for the doctor, paperwork for home to fill out and my insurance card -  all forgotten at home. I have always been somewhat forgetful with certain things, but recently it has been taken to a new level. My mind is in another place.

Paul and I arrived at the doctors office and my stomach was in knots. We were going to talk about all the details of my condition and the surgery. A face-to-face conversation with the doctor. Paul and I were a bit early so we sat at a coffee shop while I tried to remember all my questions for the doctor:

What are the risks?
What is the recovery time?
How large is the tumor?
How are they taking it out?
What are my diet restrictions prior and after surgery?
What are the possible outcomes?

The doctor went into much detail about how the tumor came to be and how it will be removed. So much detail that I could see Paul squirming in his chair out of the corner of my eye. It reminded me of the story he told me when Carrie was giving birth to Zach and Paul needed juice and cookies so he would not pass out.

My doctor was blunt and straight to the point. He is taking this tumor out because he things it's cancerous. He has been a doctor for 42 years and has seen many things, I trust his opinions and decisions. I did not move a muscle as he told me about the surgery and what the outcome will most likely be. I started at him without blinking, taking it all in - breathing in and out.

After the conversation, getting blood drawn and getting prescriptions, Paul and I walked through the rain and just sat in the car. It was all a lot to take in. We sat there and Paul asked what I was feeling. My first thoughts....I am not ready to die. There is so much I want to do..so much. I want to see Zachary grow into a young man, graduate from school, get married, have children. I want to see more of the world. I want to grow old with Paul. I don't want to die.

For the first time since I heard the news, I cried. I just sat there in the car with the rain coming down around me and Paul holding my hand. I cried and it felt good. I asked Paul how he was feeling. He didn't want to tell me, but he said "he felt bad for me." We both cried and hugged and I told him that the past 10 years of my life with him have been the best I could have ever asked for. I have an amazing life and I don't want it to end.