I have always been in tune with my body - knowing every mole, every freckle, every curve and shape that makes up who I am. So when I noticed a lump in my butt area regions back in late November of 2013, I was alarmed at what it could be. I decided "why bother with it over the holidays" and I made an appointment to see my primary care doctor in January.
The holidays came and went, but the lump remained. I went to go see my doctor in January and he gave me a full physical including a prostate exam. He examined the lump further and decided that he could not diagnose what it was. He referred me to a specialist, but the specialist was not available until March.
A month after my physical, in late February, I turned 40 years old. I had accomplished everything I had set out to do in my 30's and then some - grow and succeed at my job, buy a home, travel, have great friends, get married, get back into my stained glass. The 30s truly were an amazing ten years. I spent my 40th birthday with three of my favorite people in the world - no big party, no fancy trips, no big celebrations - just a quiet birthday with people I love.
March finally arrived and I kind of forgot about the lump. I was keeping busy with work and also getting ready to officially launch my stained glass business - a little something to do on the side. When I went to go see the specialist, I expected him to tell me it was nothing and that I would continue on with life. If you have never had a rectal exam, let me tell ya - it's not fun. I had two guys staring at my asshole for an hour, poking and prodding around. Get your mind out of the gutter! It was not that kind of poking and prodding. The doctor did a biopsy and told me that the lump could be one of two things: 1. an infection 2. a tumor.
All I heard was the word "tumor" and my body went numb. He proceeded to tell me that he should know in a few days the results of the biopsy. I left his office feeling a bit jarred at the possibilities of this lump being a tumor. In the back of my mind, I always knew that I had to be aware of cancer. My grandfather (my father's father) died at the age of 60 of colon cancer and my father has had polyps on his colon removed at the age of 50. I didn't think I would face the possibility of cancer at age 40....but cancer does not age discriminate.
A few days after my biopsy, the doctor called me back to tell me the lump is a tumor and that I would need to have it surgically removed as soon as possible. He explained that they could not determine whether the tumor is cancerous or not until they remove it and dissect it. Surgery? Cancer? He continued to speak through the phone explaining everything in detail, but I didn't hear much more. I could only hear my heart beating faster and my breathing increase rapidly. Surgery would be a next week...
I was at work when I heard the news. I was numb, filled with emotion, confusion, questions and too many thoughts. Thankfully, I have one of the best bosses and coworkers I could every ask for. I talked through my situation with my boss and a few fellow coworkers. Given the demands of my job, I could not see myself truly being "there" for everything I needed to do. We decided it was best I take the time off until after the surgery and the prognosis.
As I was leaving work today, it felt like my life was turned upside down, all shook up. like a snow globe. Someone was just shaking and shaking and shaking...
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